I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
