The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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