I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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