I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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