do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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