I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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