Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
