I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
