Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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