I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
