my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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