she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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