so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
