I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
