Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
