If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
