It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
