You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
