I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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