I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
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