This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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