I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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