He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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