I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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