When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
dude. I can hear the air.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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