He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You should frame my arrest warrant.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
