Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
