you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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