I want to make a zoo with you.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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