You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
