The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
