Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
it was like eating out sand paper
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
