Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
