Need sex. Gaining weight.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
