Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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