Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
