i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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