You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
