i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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