I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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