I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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