I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
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