This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
