No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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