"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Randomize
