I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
