I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
