I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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