someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
