He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
