Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
