drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
