If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
